Postpartum depression and anxiety are things that you hear so much about throughout your pregnancy, but as for most things relating to motherhood, I don’t think you can fully understand them unless you experience them yourself. I have always struggled with anxiety, so the new heights that this condition skyrocketed to while I was both pregnant and postpartum was something I was not prepared for. Postpartum anxiety is a condition many mothers face after delivering their babies. This is not surprising to me at all. Having a tiny, helpless little baby that you love more than you even knew was ever possible, I think it is extremely common to feel anxious and afraid of making any mistakes. Of course, there are varying degrees to this fear, and if it is getting in the way of you being able to live your life, you should of course speak with your doctor. I can see why it is confusing for new moms to know whether they have postpartum depression or anxiety or are just sleep deprived and worried all of the time. Personally, I felt like I was managing ok, even though my doctor had suggested starting me on medication. Looking back, I realize that was not the case.

I remember after our daughter was born, we were watching Moana at my parent's house, and the scene where baby Moana was left unattended near the water made me so anxious and uncomfortable that I had to leave the room. I could not even understand how this was not bothersome to the rest of my family. My kids watch this movie all the time now and the scene does not bother me at all. I think things like that FEEL normal as a new mom, but it’s a level of personal suffering that isn’t necessary. I was also completely unable to watch the news or hear any tragic stories, especially relating to children. I could not stop myself from imagining these things happening to my own child, which I would assume is something many new parents struggle with, but the intensity of my fear and pain was unbearable. I am still like this to some degree when it comes to the news as a highly sensitive/empathic person, but during this time my heart was like an open wound. I know now that this was also something medication could have helped me with.

Post-weaning depression was a different experience that came out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. My anxiety morphed into a brief but very intense bout with depression when I was weaning my first baby from breastfeeding. My doctor explained that this was related to an extreme shift in my hormones. When you stop breastfeeding, especially too quickly (which I made the mistake of doing) this ends the cocktail of “love hormones” that you get used to feeling, and that absence of feel-good hormones can leave many women feeling depressed.

This experience for me was very sudden and extremely intense. I remember my anxiety being at an all-time high. I felt like my body was on fire and all of my nerve endings were exposed. I then had the terrifying experience of suicidal ideation. This may be triggering for some people to read, it is honestly difficult for me to write, but I know how important it is for women to share their experiences with each other when it comes to these often unspoken painful experiences. I was searching the internet for answers during this time and could not find much information about what I was experiencing. When I Google these symptoms now, almost four years later, I do see some helpful research out there like this article.

My suicidal ideation thankfully only happened one very scary time. This was my own personal experience, some people feel this feeling for much longer periods of time and it is something to be taken incredibly seriously. If this is happening to you, please seek professional help immediately. I remember on a beautiful day in late May of 2019, I went into the garage to get the stroller to take my daughter for a walk and I had this idea creep into my mind that I should hang myself. It hurts my heart to even write that because I loved my life and my daughter more than words can say. This idea just came into my head and was so strong that I was looking around for tools that I could use to carry out this act. I remember being aware that this was not normal, but this urge was so clear and prominent in my mind. My brain was telling me to kill myself, even though that is not how I was remotely feeling in my heart.

By the grace of God, I stayed in my right mind and called my mom. I got the stroller out and closed the garage and took my baby for a walk around the block (Looking back, I know this was not the right thing to do, I should have gone inside and immediately told my husband who was there in person). I called my mom from my cell phone and remember sobbing to her on this beautiful day with my beautiful perfect daughter and telling her these dark terrifying thoughts that had entered my mind. She calmed me down and made me promise to go home and tell my husband (who was working from home) and call and make a doctor’s appointment immediately. I remember my husband holding me as I cried and thanking me for telling him and reminding me these were just thoughts and what mattered were my actions. He of course kept a close eye on me and the next day we headed to the doctor.

Having my doctor explain to me what was happening with my hormones and that this is a condition that some women experience as a side effect made me feel less “crazy.” I was honest about the thoughts that I had the previous day, and that I no longer felt that way. I actually felt like the pain and fear of those thoughts were released when I said them out loud and knew I had a support system looking after me. I also had my bloodwork done and it was discovered that my Vitamin D and B-12 levels were extremely low, which can also trigger anxiety and depression. My doctor strongly encouraged me to start an antidepressant. I know it was wrong, but I declined. I was not having those suicidal thoughts outside of that brief experience, so I felt safe. I did start taking supplements for the vitamin deficiencies I had and started feeling much better as my hormones started to level out over the next few days. I am obviously NOT a doctor and do not recommend taking the path that I did. I think if you are having these kinds of thoughts you need to follow the advice of your doctor.

My doctor shared her opinion that the combination of dealing with my unmanaged anxiety for so long combined with my plummeting hormone levels was just too much for my brain to handle and it was looking for an “off switch”. That was so sad and scary for me to hear because I was honestly so happy being a mom. New moms deal with so much hardship. Lack of sleep is the hardest (it is so unhealthy for your brain). Putting your needs last. Feeling worried or guilty and second-guessing all of your decisions. It can be exhausting. And it can be hard to tell where the line is between what is normal and what is concerning. Obviously, what happened with my suicidal ideation was in the extreme danger zone. I wish I had taken my doctor’s advice and not been so stubborn and started a medication for my anxiety early on to avoid so much unnecessary suffering.

I had a bad experience with anti-depressants when I was in my 20s, which was what made me hesitant to take one again. My family physician had prescribed me Celexa when my grandma (whom I was extremely close with) passed away. This was a time I should have been grieving and processing my emotions, not trying to medicate them away. I was on much too high of a dose and was completely numb to life. This went on for over a year before I stopped taking it. This experience caused me so many issues in my life that I had to work through later on. I was so afraid of this happening to me again. I didn’t want to miss out on anything with my new baby, I wanted to feel everything, even if it meant being in pain a good amount of the time. Looking back with a clear head, I realize what a mistake this was. Medication is so helpful for people who need it, and I desperately needed it. Sharing my previous experience with my doctor would have helped her prescribe me the right medication and the right dose. I did not get into my reasons with her at the time (another mistake), I just said I would think about it and never followed up. Things did eventually get better for me, it just took much longer than was necessary. I started hormonal birth control which was so helpful in regulating my hormones. I also discovered CBD around this time and this helped me so much with my anxiety, especially at night time when I would have worries and struggle to fall asleep.

I wanted to share my experience with any new mom who may be struggling and suffering in silence. Having postpartum anxiety or depression is nothing to be ashamed of. If your doctor or family members are concerned for your well-being, please take that to heart and do what is best for you and your baby. Your precious little one deserves to have a mom who is not in pain. It can be hard to balance all of the demands and emotions of being a new mom. We are all just doing our best. The new baby days can be so hard, but they are also full of so much love and pure joy. Getting the help you need will not take away any of the joy, just the pain and the fear. I wish someone had told me that when I was going through this. Actually, I am sure people did tell me, and I just couldn’t hear them through the pain I was in. I hope you hear me! Being a new mom is hard enough without dealing with untreated mental health issues. Please reach out for help and accept the treatment offered to you. You deserve to enjoy all of the happiness your new role as a mom has to offer.