*Written 8 weeks after delivering my first daughter:
The night before my first daughter was born, my husband and I went to dinner and a movie for one last date night before we became parents. Since my baby girl was stubborn (AKA breech) I had a scheduled c-section, so we knew the exact day and time that we would get to meet her. If you are about to become a first-time parent, I would highly suggest going on a fancy date before your baby is born. Life with your new baby will be magical, but different, and fancy restaurants will be off the table for the near future.
The morning of my scheduled C-section, I woke up very early to eat breakfast (oatmeal with almond milk, banana, and flaxseeds) since my surgery was not scheduled until 3:30 PM. My plan was to go back to sleep and rest, but that just wasn’t possible with all of my nerves and excitement. I spent the morning in bed frantically googling what to expect. Nothing I read really prepared me for what I was about to experience, which inspired me to write this.
My husband and I made a video for our daughter before we left for the hospital telling her how excited we were to meet her. I definitely recommend doing this if you have the chance. It is such a nice keepsake for your future child. I left for the hospital showered, shaved, in full makeup, and ready for my new baby pictures… I clearly had no idea what I was in for. On the rainy drive to the hospital, my anxiety started to kick in. We listened to Taylor Swift in the car to help calm my nerves. When we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the birthing floor to check-in. Everyone was so nice and excited for us to meet our baby. It was not the cliche scene of having contractions, rushing to the hospital, and being wheeled upstairs, which is what I had envisioned. It honestly felt more like checking into a hotel, and the relaxed atmosphere was kind of nice.
Once I was admitted to my pre-op room, I changed into my gown and was given my IV. I had gotten my first ever IV during my version procedure, so I was expecting it to be uncomfortable, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Unfortunately, my IV was not placed correctly and I was in a lot of pain. I was told that “IVs are uncomfortable” and I had to deal with it for the next 2 days. Even on high doses of pain medicine, my IV hurt terribly until it was removed (this is absolutely not the norm, mine had to be taped down with a splint because of how incorrectly it was placed). They then hooked me up to the monitors to make sure my baby was still breech (she was) and the nurse went through all of my medical history and paperwork.
During this time, the doctor who had performed my version procedure came in to tell me that my OB had an emergency and was not going to be able to make it in time for my surgery, so she would be delivering my baby. I have anxiety, and my OB had basically become my therapist during my pregnancy, so this was very unsettling. I tried to remain calm and was thankful that this was at least a doctor that I was familiar with, so I started to mentally prepare myself. Thankfully, my doctor did end up arriving just in time and was able to perform my procedure.
My husband was asked to leave the room while I was prepared for surgery. I was then instructed to walk to the operating room with my nurse and anesthesiologist. I had absolutely not expected this. In my mind, I would be wheeled in fully medicated, not voluntarily walking into an operating room. The room was not at all what I had pictured from Grey’s Anatomy either. There were cabinets and machines everywhere and so many people. There was a bed in the middle of the room (I had envisioned a steel table) with a place to tie your arms down like you are on a cross.
This is when my anxiety unfortunately took over and I started to have a panic attack. I could not breathe and started crying and telling my doctor I couldn’t do this and I wanted to go home. I wanted to run out of there and deliver my baby in my own bathtub. I had never had any sort of surgery before and I was terrified and without my husband. My doctor asked me to look into her eyes and said “We are going to meet your baby girl today.” She explained that if there was a safe way to deliver my baby vaginally we would, but this was the safest option for both me and my baby. I obviously already loved my baby girl more than myself, so I somehow got it together and held still for my spinal block.
After I received my anesthesia, I laid down on the table. They did not tie my arms down per my request (due to my anxiety). It seemed like forever before my husband was with me again. I asked for him multiple times. The anesthesiologists and nurses were so kind and talked to me to distract me the whole time. I have very strong reactions to anesthesia, so I was shaking and having trouble breathing. The most helpful tip I received during that time was to take shallow breaths. The spinal block can make you feel like you are not breathing well because of how high up you are numbed, so taking shallow breaths is much more comforting. I had a very hard time talking during the procedure because of my breathing, so I would suggest asking your partner to talk to you but not ask you questions. I kept feeling panicked because I wanted to respond to people but I physically couldn’t. I remember the anesthesiologist kept calling my daughter “Isabelle” and her name is Isabella, but I just didn’t have the breath to correct him.
The surgery itself was much less traumatic than I had imagined. It did not hurt at all. I could feel some pressure and some tugging but absolutely no pain. I was having such a hard time with my breathing and anxiety that I was distracted from what was going on on the other side of the sheet. Something that I had read prior to my surgery was that you may smell burnt popcorn when they begin the procedure. I did smell that and was relieved that I knew what to expect and that it was normal. Apparently, this is from cauterizing your skin. Another tip I received from a friend was to make sure the steel lamp above the table is positioned in a way that you can’t see below the curtain. I remember my doctor saying during surgery “you’ve got some strong abs” and my brain immediately realized - this woman is inside my body- and I started to panic again. But then I heard my baby girl cry. The doctor said, “She is perfect Jen!” I was so elated to know she was healthy and had arrived safely. From the start of surgery to my baby being out took less than 10 minutes.
The craziest part of delivering my daughter this way was that I did not get to hold her for 30-40 minutes after she was born. The hospital I delivered at gives you the option of doing skin-to-skin after cesarean if you are doing well, but I was still having difficulty breathing and shaking, so my husband did skin-to-skin with her. He brought her by my head and I was able to kiss her and see her beautiful face, but then they took her to weigh and measure her while they put me back together. This was honestly a welcome occurrence because I wasn’t physically able to be with her, and I would’ve felt guilty if they had tried to give her to me. During the time they were sewing me up, I remember my husband asking the nurses “Is this normal?” because our daughter was trying to breastfeed with him!
Once my incision was closed up and bandaged, they took the sheet down, transferred me to another bed, and immediately handed me my baby. As I was being wheeled to the post-op room, the feeling was so surreal. I felt like I was dreaming, due in large part to the anesthesia I’m sure. I did hear my doctor tell my husband that I may not remember some things from the medication they gave me. I do remember my baby just looking at me with such curiosity and being so calm. I was immediately in love. I also got my first family photo thanks to my doctor. I wouldn’t have even thought of that in the moment, which is surprising if you know me and my love for capturing every memory!
I was still shaking and having trouble breathing in the post-op room. My mom, dad, sister, and brother were in the waiting room, along with my husband’s mom and sister, so I felt obligated to let them in to meet her right away. Thankfully, the nurses told me “You are in recovery, do not push yourself to do anything you aren’t ready for.” I just had my mom come in for the first hour until they moved me to my recovery room. She was there as much to comfort me as to meet her grandbaby, so that was really helpful. I breastfed my daughter for the first time while still completely numb, but she did not have a good latch. Unfortunately, I couldn’t feel that anything was wrong, and this did cause some problems with nursing her for the next few days. It was incredible to see how she just wiggled her way down to my breast as I was holding her. She knew exactly what to do!
Once I was moved up to the recovery room, the rest of our family came in to meet her. I don’t remember a lot of this time, to be honest. I was on a lot of heavy medications and definitely exhausted. I delivered my baby around 4 PM and was upstairs by around 6:30 PM. I remember my sister bringing me beautiful tulips (my favorite) and my dad holding her for the first time. I remember I had ice chips in the post-op room and was able to have a turkey sandwich when I was upstairs. After everyone left for the night, I was so happy to be with my little family. I held my daughter for hours just staring at her face. I had a lot of recovery time ahead of me, which I wrote more about here. But for those precious moments, I was in heaven.
I learned from my second C-section experience that a lot went wrong with my first delivery. My IV was placed correctly this time and I was thankfully not in pain with that for 48 hours. My anesthesiologist dosed my medication differently so that I was able to breathe during the procedure. I remember so much more about meeting my second baby and I had a much calmer experience. I also remember being wheeled to my recovery room, which was a total blur the first time around. My cousin had promised me that your second c-section is so much better than your first, and she was right. I know now that this is because you know what to expect the second time around. I wish I had read more about other people’s experiences before my own, especially when it comes to recovery. I have sweet happy pictures from my second delivery that just were not possible during my first because of the issues I was having.
Unfortunately, none of this process is really in your control other than staying as calm and brave as possible. I would suggest making sure you are in excellent hands with your doctors and then just trusting the process. No part of my experience was as bad in real life as it was in my mind. If you have anxiety, make sure your doctors are aware so that they can help you manage it. I would also suggest trying to get into a meditation practice before your surgery to help you stay in the moment and calm your worries. In the end, you will get to meet your baby and you will feel the greatest joy and calmest peace of your life. One of the perks of a scheduled C-section is that it is a very quick process from start to finish, so just focus on the positive and know that in the end, it will all be worth it. If you are scared about your C-section, please just know that if I had to do it again tomorrow I wouldn’t be excited about it, but I would not be terrified. It really is quick and relatively painless. If you can manage your fears, you have conquered the hardest part. I promise!